There has to be a better world out there. A world where I can go to and get away from religion. Because right now, it seems to be budging in everywhere I look. Every freaking where. I can’t seem to have a conversation with a sensible person that doesn’t end up quoting some cliche bible verse.
I hope it was so easy, you know. That I could smile and walk away as I have always done. I wish that it could bother me less. I am often thinking I will let people be whatever they want as long as they don’t wave their religions on my face. But, as it turns out, they cant!
I am in here trying to get help for me too. I am trying to find a purpose to keep fighting in a system where I seem to have given up on pretty much everything. I appreciate the fact that for others who are like me, words of the good old history book gives them peace. That spewing these words over and over and over makes them feel and cope better. I am understanding enough to give them that.
But I seem to be the only one doing the understanding bit.
I can’t pay for an hour of therapy where I have to sit through verses and dogmas I consider pretty stupid being spewed over and over. I need this therapy too. I need help too. And the last feeling I want soaring through me at the end of a therapy session is red hot anger! RED HOT ANGER!
But I have no choice, right? I have to sit through it. Because for some fucked up reason, even though this is not a religious-based institution, I live in a largely Christian nation and so it will be crammed down my throat everywhere I look. It will be laced with beautiful anecdotes that somehow end up painting me…the one who is trying to get the therapy session back to practical therapy solution…as the one with the problem. Because if I cant find peace in the amazing light that is god, whose fault is it but my own?
Or…and this is the first time I have been on the edge enough in the 10 days I have been here to take this particular option…I could walk away. I walked away from a therapy session that is already paid for because it was doing me more harm than good. Actually, considering I’m still shaking as I write this, I may be, should have walked off a lot sooner.
Given, I am on the edge today. I am nervous, anxious and a bit mad at the situation that I am at. But I think a psychologists job should be to ensure that a group session is beneficial to all persons involved. Be it the super religious ones or those that like me that are heading for hell or brimstone-so to speak.
Bloody hell, this is my last freaking resort. This place has to work! And just for the record…in case my therapist reads this. The whole deep breaths 15 times. DID NOT BLOODY WORK!