To be honest, I never knew this day would come. Even as I fought for it and sulked a bit because I really wanted this to happen so I could go back to my normal life, I never really thought I would be able to jump all the hurdles I knew I would encounter and so was sure elated that I managed to get a day one session.
Yesterday, I had to take very early breakfast before 7.30. Together with one of the nurses here, we drove off to a different branch where the ECT was to happen. I had never been to the Westlands branch before, and it was a lot scarier. I sat quietly on the edge of the chair for close to an hour. I was afraid I would make the wrong move, or say the wrong thing and push someone over the edge. Finally, I was called into one of the room.
Once there, I was welcomed by a very friendly nurse that showed me where to sit. One of them started finding a vein in my left hand and injected something into it. Someone asked if it was painful and how I felt, I remember wanting to say it wasn’t that painful…but everything faded to black.
I woke up with a banging pain in my head, the sides of my face my jaws, my arms, and feet. I didn’t know where I was, and it took me a few minutes to understand the explanation I was getting from the nurse.
As we drove back home, I didn’t remember the drive a few hours before. I got home and headed for my bed and slept some more. When I woke up again, my memory was fine-ish. I remembered 90 percent of what I should have remembered anyway. Other than painful jaws as I chewed, I was relatively present. I had imagined a worse memory loss. I’m glad that it wasn’t so.
I have preferred being alone since then. I’m finding interacting with people a bit annoying. I just want to stew in my misery. Not exactly sure if this is a new form of misery or a completely old school one. I just prefer being alone. I’m fighting it a bit today so I’m sitting in the common room. But I have already pissed two people off…I may end up going back to my room. Will give it a few more minutes
That was the end of day one. I don’t know how many days I will need, I just hope at the end of it all, it goes down as a successful treatment.